Don't Let Me Be Gone
by lukeyandlou
Summary: Tony had one piece left that kept him whole, at least /almost/ whole. A piece that, like all things, had been broken. Or Peter dies and spiritually, Tony dies too.


_**A/N: Hey guys! This is my first time writing fanfiction for this fandom and I'm excited for my Marvel debut! This one's a tragedy (my specialty) but nevertheless I hope angst fans enjoy!**_

 _ **WARNINGS: Major character death, Language, Violence**_

For the entirety of his life, Tony Stark had never been whole.

There is no way for a child to truly love themselves when they grow up haunted by the resentment of a father. The constant smothering of disappointment, the trembles of a yelling voice, the lack of a hug after a hard day – it only made him harsh. How could a world deserve love when he himself had never felt it?

His hatred for his father may have made it bewildering that the second big step, the death of his parents, was what finally snapped him. However, it wasn't just his father that made him who he was in the most toxic of ways – but his mother too, in all good that he had.

Truth be told, the only sunshine of Tony's childhood was his mother, the only time he had felt love. She was the reason that he had a conscious, that he cared for humanity for the greater good, that he secretly knew how to love. When she was gone, he knew that maybe he just wasn't welcomed by this world.

Yet still, he prospered.

Meeting Rhodey, becoming _The Tony Stark,_ making his mark on this life in a myriad of ways and finally getting the attention that he craved for so many years – it all made him feel like he belonged in this world after all. The storms in his mind had passed, and although the world still made him want to break the same glass over and over he knew that things world better. Words cannot describe how much this intensified after becoming Iron Man – but little did he know that it was solely the eye of the storm by now.

Although becoming an Avenger was the best thing he had ever done, it was also the thing that properly rotted his brain out. The years of PTSD that made him afraid of every creak in the floorboard, the guilt that made his ego only a mask for the cancer of self-hatred, his insecurity in trust after what happened with Steve. All the broken bones, all of the screams that rattled his ears, all of the nightmares clouding his eyes every time he closed them – they made him realize that his life was a war, and with every breath he took, the broken soldiers would keep fighting.

Everyone knew that Tony Stark loved himself too much, but the hidden reality was that he often questioned why he was here at all.

When all of his supposed purposes were debunked, he believed he finally found one when he took in a teenager from Queens.

Ever since he had seen his YouTube videos, the boy in red pajamas who liked to hang on walls intrigued him. Of course, knowing about this character would only remain hidden knowledge until something big would happen, something that would cause all enhanced humans to come together.

Turns out that not even a couple of months later, something big had happened.

Yes, this was a 15-year-old boy. Yes, bringing him into such a major Avengers issue, Avengers who have already been controversial as of late, made him an incredibly irresponsible and borderline _fucked up_ adult. Still, he didn't even know the kid, and he could always remove him from the fight if it got too severe.

If he didn't even know the kid, why did his heart stop every time that he saw him go down?

Turns out, this was only the beginning. Despite his intentions of leaving the kid out of any future Avengers issues, he couldn't help but take the time to listen to every voicemail that he left on his phone. He came to know what the kid's favorite foods are, what he and his best friend were doing that Saturday, when he had a school project coming up and what extracurricular activities were coming up – all while Peter thought that Tony had never once again considered his existence.

That is something that will stab through his soul for the rest of his lifetime, a constant reminder of how much like Howard he had grown up to be.

The days passed, and after Tony had offered Peter a place at the Avengers headquarters, he only became more involved. He would always remember when Aunt May had pounded on his door in the middle of the night, harshly laying out a list of rules he must follow if he wanted to continue being in her nephew's life, even though she was about the least intimidating person he knew. For the rest of his sophomore year, he would pick up Peter from school and stop for ice cream when he hit an A+ on a quiz, which was almost every quiz he took. He picked up medicine for him when he was sick when May was too busy working. He often taught him about engineering, and what is behind every invention he has ever created. He wrote down every injury he acquired only so he could improve the kid's next suit to perfection.

If anything happened to that kid, it would be the last straw to completely break him.

Peter was intelligent, brave, strong and loving all at once, and Tony swore to always preserve that. Peter always told him he wants to grow up to be just like Tony, and although that is meant to be an honor, nothing scared Tony more.

Well, almost nothing.

On one starry night in the heart of July, Peter begged to sleepover as Tony pulled out the keys to take him home.

"Peter, you know Aunt May is not going to approve of that, and the last thing we want is to piss her off. Do that, and you can kiss your Spidey suit goodbye," Tony had told him.

"Awe come on Mr. Stark! I can call May, she lets me sleepover at Ned's all the time! Since I was ten years old, and you know when you're ten years old you're not likely to be allowed to sleepover because that's when stranger danger is on the high so if she let me sleepover then what's to say that now-

"Kid, sleeping over at your best friend's house down the street is different than at the Avengers headquarters, and you're smart enough for me to not need to explain why. You got all your stuff ready to go?" Tony sighed.

"You're my best friend too, Mr. Stark. She'll understand that for sure. Aunt May's really nice to me," Peter said, nervously gazing down at his shoes.

With that, the ice plaguing Tony's heart melted away, and saying no to _that_ face would be just inhumane.

"Alright, fine. You can call her. But you better let her know it wasn't my idea, because that might sound a little creepy," Tony replies.

Peter's face lit up in a smile, and he immediately pulls his phone out and speed dials his aunt.

From the patio, Tony could hear "Please May, I got a perfect score on all my finals!" and "We can take this extra time to practice engineering so maybe I can take the course when school starts up again, didn't you want me to start planning for college?" and "I swear there aren't any missions tonight, I'll stay right here" and finally "Besides that, it's Friday and it's late outside. What if we run into to drunk drivers?"

Tony couldn't help but chuckle at the kid's energetic voice, even when he was most obviously exhausted.

A few moments later, Peter walked in with a pout on his face.

"C'mon kid, it's okay. Maybe you can sleep over at Ned's tomorrow," Tony said, pulling the car keys back out of his pocket.

Suddenly, the pout turned into a smile. "I'm just pranking you Mr. Stark! She said I could stay! I just have to be back by noon tomorrow!"

Why did Tony's heart warm every time that the kid spoke?

"That's great, Peter. I'll find you somewhere to sleep, just hang tight," Tony smiled lightly.

"Sleep, already? That's no fun!" he pouted.

"Kid, Aunt May will kill me if you come home with black bags under your eyes. How about this, you wake up and eat as many bowls of Lucky Charms as you want? I bought them a few days ago, I know they're your favorite," Tony bribed.

Peter's eyes lit up at that, but only for a second.

"Okay, but can we just watch one movie first? You can choose," Peter asked shyly.

" _One_ movie. Just one. Go get yourself some popcorn from the kitchen, I'll be back in a second," Tony agreed.

Peter's footsteps quickly pattered into the kitchen, jumping up in accomplishment.

"I liked this movie when I was a little younger than you," Tony had said, once they were on the couch. "Ever heard of Friday the 13th?"

"Yeah," Peter said, quickly shoving popcorn into his mouth, "Totally."

"You sure horror movies don't make you nervous? I wouldn't care, and we could always watch another one. There's another movie from when I was your age, The Breakfast Club, and there's a character that looks just like me-

"No," Peter cut him off, "I'm fine. I'll watch it."

"Okay, Pete, but tell me if it's making you uneasy. Last thing I want is you having nightmares," Tony said, switching the movie on.

Despite his claims, Peter was definitely uneasy. With every death scene, Peter pulled the blanket over half of his face, and even though he was tempted to change it, Tony decided it was best to just let him watch it. The sad reality was that if Peter was going to become an Avenger, he was going to see more than one bloodshed in person.

"So, what did you think?" Tony turned to Peter as the credits rolled.

After being quiet for a moment, Peter said "Mr. Stark, are you afraid to die?"

Tony was taken aback, surprised that such a heavy question would be asked by such a lighthearted kid. Maybe showing him such a violent movie wasn't such a good idea after all.

"When it's my time, it's my time, I suppose," Tony answered.

"I think I'm afraid to die," Peter said, keeping his glance straightforward at the ground. "I don't like when something hurts, I know it's weak of me. When I was smashed the night of homecoming, I was so terrified that I would die alone. It hurt so bad. I'm scared because I can't leave Aunt May, she doesn't have anyone else, and Ned needs me too because it's us together against that school of bullies and I don't know what happens after so-

"Peter," Tony cut him off, "Look at me."

Peter turned his head with slightly watery eyes, and Tony cups the boy's chin. "I don't want you to ever worry about that. You're going to be alive for quite a long time, I promise you that. I will always protect you, and I will never let anything happen to you, even if I have to die to protect you. I never want you to be scared."

"But I don't want you to die either," Peter said, his voice so damn _small_.

"It's okay, kid. I'm not going anywhere either. I'm not going to leave you."

"Can I have a hug, Mr. Stark?"

Without words, Tony moved across the couch and took the kid in his arms, resting his head against his chest, just holding him there for a moment.

"Okay kid, it's time to get to bed. Lucky charms in the morning?" he said reassuringly, trying to lift the mood. That was the last time he was going to show the kid a horror movie.

"Lucky charms in the morning," Peter smiled, getting up and heading for the room Tony had reserved for him.

"Goodnight da- I mean, Mr. Stark," Peter blushed in embarrassment.

Tony internally smiled, pretending not to notice to avoid making him feel awkward. "Goodnight kid."

 _Goodnight son_.

For as long as he would be alive, Tony would never let anything happen to Peter.

 _Oh, what a fool he was._

Now, it was about six months later, and instead of being on the field trip he was supposed to be on, Peter was with Tony on Titan, galaxies away from home, fighting a being with what may be the most powerful weapon in the universe. How Tony let him get there, he didn't understand, but now he was his responsibility more than ever.

He almost hated himself for bringing him into this, but once the kid had snuck aboard, he couldn't exactly just throw him back into space. Not after he nearly had a heart attack as Peter was soaring up and losing oxygen.

Now, Thanos was among them, and he was ready to fight them to the death. Everything had been going perfect, and he and Peter had almost got the gauntlet off – had almost saved the universe. Peter continued to try getting it away from the villain, and Tony couldn't wait to tell him how proud of him he was.

Then, Starlord had lost his shit on Thanos, and Mantis had lost her control over him, and Thanos had broken free. Now, all of their lives, _all of the lives in the universe,_ were in grave jeopardy once more.

Tony had lost sight of Peter as he was fighting Thanos, and as terrified about that he was he knew that Peter was out protecting the guardians, which meant being far away from Thanos. That brought him enough comfort to keep fighting.

"All that for a drop of blood," Thanos had said, wiping off a small cut induced by Tony from his cheek.

They were in deep shit now, and Tony knew it.

He was so distracted by this fear that he didn't hear the footsteps of Peter running towards the scene.

Tony snuck out his blade, ready to grab the courage to end it all, and reached to stab Thanos with a new sense of confidence when he felt Thanos reach ahold of this weapon and turn it back towards him. He closed his eyes tightly and prepared for the intense pain of being impaled, jittering at the sound of the knife piercing through flesh.

Yet, he felt nothing. Then, he heard it again, along with a familiar cry.

Tony shot his eyes open in terror, only to see Peter standing it front of him with a knife through his chest, his skin almost white and his eyes wide open. Tony stared in shock for a moment, his mouth slightly open and his body paralyzed.

Thanos took advantage of that and pulled the knife out of Peter only to shove it in again, causing his legs to give out and fall the floor with a cry every time.

One time, two times, three times – enough to make Tony snap out of shock.

"PETER!" he cried out, and the god awful wavering in his voice was enough to haunt everyone in the scene for the rest of their lives.

He shot forward, his adrenaline strong enough to push Thanos out of the way and jumped over Peter to protect him.

"You are just like me Stark, as we both are responsible for the taking of lives," Thanos said, "And for that, as I lost a child, you shall lose one too."

With that, he turned around and grabbed Dr. Strange, who was also shaken up and off guard, and teleported away with him and the stone he was protecting in his grasp.

"Mr. Stark," Peter whines, his voice cloudy and blood beginning to pour out of both sides of his mouth.

"Hey kid," Tony says, sitting up and cradling him, "Shh, it's okay. You're alright. I'm going to take you home and fix you up and you'll be back to normal."

"Mr. Stark, I'm sca-scared," he started to sob. "I don't wanna go, I don't wanna die."

"You're not gonna die Peter, you're not gonna die," he says, trying to close his wounds, but secretly knowing there are too many and too much blood getting lost, blood now soaking his suit.

"You're go-gonna make me o-okay? You pro-promised," Peter cried, his voice barely above a whisper.

Tony closes his eyes as tears seep down, wishing so deeply that he was stabbed instead.

"I'm here, Peter, okay, I'm not gonna leave you alone. Dad's not leaving," he cried, rocking Peter gently.

"Help!" Tony cries out, looking up for someone, anyone, only to see that everyone else on the planet was unconscious.

Peter shakily raises his hand to wipe the tears off of Tony's face. "Don't cr-cry, Mr. Stark. It'll ma-make me so sa-sad. I'm so sorry. You won't ha-have to deal with me any-anymore."

"No, Peter, please don't say that. I'm so proud of you kid, I'm so so proud of you. You are the son I've never had. I love you kid, I love you," Tony tells him, stroking his hair, trying desperately to conceal sobs.

"I-" Peter was interrupted by a harsh cough, spraying blood all over his chin.

"What is it, kiddo?" Tony says, leaning closer towards his face.

"I, I I…love…" Peter starts to say, his voice giving out and his eyes beginning to close.

"Peter, please. Keep your eyes open. I can't live without you, I can't," Tony starts to cry again.

"I love you too."

Suddenly, the tight grip on Tony's hand falls limp.

"Peter," Tony says in alarm, his eyes widening. "Peter, come on kid, come on. Wake up. We've gotta go, we have to save the wizard. That makes you laugh, doesn't it? I want to hear you laugh. I need to hear you laugh, but you need to wake up. I have more lucky charms for you at the headquarters, I just bought them yesterday, and May is waiting for you. Ned is waiting for you too. You have to wake up, you have to."

There is no response – only a limp, pale, lifeless body in his arms.

"FUCKING WAKE UP!" he shouts, shaking him and then feeling so guilty about being rough.

Finally, reality set in. Tony had sworn on his life to protect Peter, and he had failed. He had lied, he had failed.

His kid was dead.

Finally, he broke down into sobs, sobs more intense than any he had sobbed before. They were enough to pierce through a soul and make the planet rot, as he held Peter close to him and sobbed into his body, incoherently telling him to wake up. The guardians were awake now, but only look down in sadness, deciding that it was best to let him grieve.

After a countless and unmeasurable amount of time, his body was too broken down and exhausted to sob anymore, and he collapsed in an empty silence, still holding onto Peter's body. After a while of that silence, they decided it was time to keep going.

"Come on, Tony," one of them said, he didn't recognize who, "We've got to go stop him. We will get our revenge."

Tony doesn't respond, or move, or show any sign of life other than his movements to further protect Peter's body. This continues, and Tony does not talk, does not move. When he and Peter are both lifted away, he doesn't react.

That was the day that broke Tony Stark.

Now, it is present day. It has been a few months since Peter died. Thanos was defeated, for Dr. Strange had no reason to give him the stone and without it, he had been defeated in Wakanda. Tony was not in that fight, as he was too unresponsive to anything. He was practically a vegetable, so shocking from someone who always had too many comments to give.

As much as it broke their hearts, they just couldn't take care of him anymore. There was only one place that could.

Tony woke up in a room alone, vacant other than closed in white walls, very much like how it was like in his head. He didn't know how long he stared at them, but he didn't have any awareness of time at all.

He didn't have awareness to anything, other than the fact that he had failed the kid who he had loved like a son. He had let him be brutally murdered, in front of him, and he had done nothing to stop it.

A voice came in and although it was blurry, one thing stood out.

"Mr. Stark-

With that, his hand shook. "Never call me that," he said too aggressively, "Only Peter can call me that."

The nurse sighs sympathetically. "Okay Anthony. Do you know where you are?"

"I'm nowhere," he responds, his voice empty of any emotion, regretting talking at all.

"You're at the Manhattan Mental Facility, and you're going to be treated very soon."

His eyebrow raises, but he goes back to silence.

There was no point in trying – he had lost the one thing that made him whole. Finally, after everything, he was completely broken.

When he told Peter he wasn't afraid of death, he wasn't exactly being honest. He wasn't afraid of physically dying – but he was afraid of being gone. He was afraid of having no spirit, yet still being stuck in a hallow shell of a body. He was scared, of being gone, and now he was.

When Peter died, Tony died too.


End file.
